Apocalypse Begins With 'B'

An absurdist one-act play in which the apocalypse finally arrives, but it turns out we had the wrong letter the whole time. Definitely the silliest thing I’ve written, at least definitely the most amount of tortured puns I’ve ever brought together in one project, and probably infeasible as an actual production. Still, I’ve heard it from multiple other writers to never let form obstruct your creativity. I can at least claim I didn’t let it, whatever that’s worth.

—

CHARACTER LIST

Joel Katzenkracker - Male in mid-twenties. Years of warning his friends and society about an impending attack on the mainland by bees and being ridiculed for it is finally repaid when the fateful bee-pocalypse strikes.

Tom Janes - Male, Joel’s friend who has more or less learned to ignore his spiels about the world coming to an end. Now that the end has arrived, he wants nothing more than to survive.

Agent Orange - Female federal agent tasked with enlisting Joel to help deal with the crisis quickly under the orders to work to deny to the public that the world is coming to an end.

General Martenara - Male, grizzled military official. The rest of the armed forces is leery of his eccentricities and strange behaviours that can only be described as “sort of off,” thus he’s been placed in charge of deploying resistance against the similarly “off” bee-pocalypse.

Beeporter - Giant bee reporter that updates the humans on the Bee-Pocalypse, mostly saying that they’re overreacting and it’s fine outside.

Bigby - Big bee. Oh hey, I just got that.

Scene 1 opens with the President giving an address at Mount Rushmore when a massive swarm of bees appears from underneath the observation platform and lifts him up and carries him to the monument beyond, the presidential mouths opening to let loose more and more bees until the space is full of bees and Lincoln sticks out his tongue to grab the bee-leaguered president and pull him into the mountain, the bees grabbing up all the onlooking pedestrians before funneling up the various presidents’ noses, pedestrians in tow, as the very platform bee-neath them turns into bees and funnel into the heads’ noses with their comrades. All is quiet before all four heads simultaneously explode, then the rest of the mountain explodes. TOM sits on a couch, watching a bee news reporter reporting on that very bee-pocalypse.

BEEPORTER

...just the least ludicrous of the events that have been occurring all over the globe involving popular landmarks. All humans are advised to come outside just to be sure everything I’m saying is true. Not that you should doubt the talking bee.

Loud footfalls sound off-stage.

TOM

Oh crap.

Joel bursts into room frantically, reams of notes and manilla folders under his arms.

TOM

Sure, Joel, come on in-

JOEL

I was RIGHT! I WAS RIGHT!

Starts setting up maps and putting down papers.

JOEL (cont.)

I’ve been saying it for years! We were so afraid of the A-pocalypse-

Tom stands up, walks over.

TOM

Joel, is now really-

JOEL

Nobody even thought for a second we had the wrong letter! Except ME!

TOM

Ok, you were right, so-

JOEL

For YEARS people said I was crazy, but I WAS RIGHT!

Starts pointing at charts

JOEL (cont.)

It was all in the etymology…

Tom puts hand on Joel’s shoulder

TOM

Joel, I get it, you were right. The bees are destroying the world. Every bit of your crazy rambling was worth its weight in gold, and we bow down to your powers of clairvoyance and masterful deduction. That what you want to hear?

JOEL

...it’s close enough.

TOM

Good. Now we have that out of the way, what are we gonna do?

JOEL

What do you mean?

TOM

How’re we getting through this?

JOEL

Through… this? I don’t… You think we can survive this?

TOM

Wait, you mean to tell me that you’ve been hyping this bee-pocalypse up for years and you never planned on surviving it?

JOEL

Oh, we’re not making it out of this! Once the bees strike, it’s all over, just like they said in the stone tablets foun-

TOM

Great! So now we get eaten alive by bees?

JOEL

No, silly, we’re much more valuable as hives!

TOM

Great, this is just-

JOEL

Tom, calm down, you’ll upset your stomach. You know how you get.

TOM

I’m going to have baby bees in my stomach! I’m pretty upset! They’re going to raise their bee children in me like Full House!

Knock on door, Tom opens it to find Agent Orange.

TOM

May I help you?

AGENT ORANGE

FBI. Mister Joel Katzenkracker is here? May I speak to him?

Tom lets in Orange, Joel cautiously approaches.

JOEL

Is this about that time I tried to hack Pentagon comms to warn you all the gold in Fort Knox was cursed?

TOM

You did what?

AGENT ORANGE

No, but your culpability for that incident has been noted. I’m here, Mr. Katzenkracker, because we believe you can help us with this crisis.

TOM

Wait, did you guys know about this bee thing?

AGENT ORANGE

It’s the government’s job to keep stock of all plausible doomsday scenarios. Mr. Katzenkracker’s ranting was written off as “kook” a long time ago. Literally the only one worried about the bees.

JOEL

Now I’m literally the only person who’s RIGHT!

TOM

Wait, how did you even find him? This isn’t even his apartment!

AGENT ORANGE

It’s the government’s job to know where everyone is at all times. By the way, Mr. Janes, if I might contribute to your conversation yesterday, three holes is entirely too many to have in a pair of underpants without throwing them out.

TOM

Ok, that’s scary… and there’s still cradle lef- never mind. So Miss...

AGENT ORANGE

Call me Agent Orange.

TOM

Miss Orange, does the government have a plan for this?

AGENT ORANGE

That’s what we need Mr. Katzenkracker for. He is the predominant bee crisis expert. The only one at that. We intend to work quickly and efficiently to defuse the crisis before the public can catch wind of it.

JOEL

You can count on- wait, what?

TOM

Yeah, haven’t you seen the news? Everyone’s seen the President being abducted and exploded at Mount Rushmore.

AGENT ORANGE

Amazing how amateur filmmakers have such access to special effects in this day and age.

TOM

There were surviving witnesses, a giant bee was just reporting on the scene!

AGENT ORANGE

Halloween costumes can be convincing.

TOM

In June? With functioning pollination?!

AGENT ORANGE

Look, people will start blaming the government for not protecting them from a crisis, but if the crisis isn’t provable, then there’s no reason to be displeased.

TOM

Yeah, because nothing ruins a good apocalypse more than people knowing about it.

AGENT ORANGE

Now you’re thinking. Come with me, please.

Scene 2. Government planning room. Massive blue monitors decorate the walls, a map of the US stretched out on the central counter. Martenara stands over computer on far fall, back to audience, as Orange leads Joel and Tom in.

AGENT ORANGE

This is where we’ll be handling the crisis.

TOM

Sorta small, isn’t it?

AGENT ORANGE

This is just one of the government’s many anti-apocalypse preparatory chambers. This was the only one that wasn’t already reserved.

TOM

What, reserved? Like a library study room, why?

AGENT ORANGE

We’re always preventing something.

JOEL

But the REAL problem is out there NOW! Shouldn’t we have a lot more guys on this? How many do we have?

AGENT ORANGE

Are we counting Tom?

TOM

Why wouldn’t we count Tom?

AGENT ORANGE

Counting Tom, we also have you, me, and General Martenara. General?

Martenara approaches

MARTENARA

Are these the brave soldiers come to vanguard all we dearly behold from these insectoid invaders?

AGENT ORANGE

Yes, this is Mr. Joel Katzenkracker and Mr. Tom Janes.

MARTENARA

Ah, Mr. Jones. I am glad you were not amongst the lives to fall to this antennaed apocalypse. Your talent needs to be preserved.

TOM

Uh, thanks, but I’m not that guy. Are you… okay?

MARTENARA

My awoken nature and lack of inaction will not be halted until we rein in this hovering horde.

TOM

That’s what I was worried about. Joel, sidebar, now?

Tom pulls Joel away, Orange and Martenara walking over to the other side of the stage to converse.

TOM (cont.)

Does it not concern you that literally no one here is taking this seriously?

JOEL

I’ll admit I expected a little more, like scientists and stuff, maybe some insect specialists, but with all of the info I have, this should work anyway.

TOM

Why are you so confident in this? Whatever happened to “the bees win, we’re beyond help”?

JOEL

That’s what I thought! But people are starting to take it seriously, Tom! Now we can discover the secret to survival!

TOM

This is not people taking this seriously! They sent in an obvious loon to run this! The government lady thinks that all this destruction can just be swept under the rug! Meanwhile, there are bees the size of football players destroying famous landmarks and breaking all our stuff!

JOEL

Tom, calm down, your upset stomach isn’t going to help us. Look, at least they sent people, they acknowledge it’s happening! Look at everything I managed without the government! Even just one computer could get us the secret to survival!

TOM

You are way too excited about making a giant bug zapper.

JOEL

Makin- what?

TOM

A giant bug zapper. What? It’s… it’s a joke.

JOEL

Do you really think now’s the time to bee funny, Tom? This is serio-

TOM

Wait, what was that then?

JOEL

What was what? C’mon, time to bee serious and work on a plan. Can I get you to bee serious here?

TOM

There! You did it again!

Joel walks back to the other two, Tom following, evidently upset at the obvious punnage. The four gather around a table with a map on it, Martenara pulls out a remote to activate what is clearly a Powerpoint.

MARTENARA

Gentlemen and gentlelady, we are losing ground to this mandibled menace far too rapidly. Mount Rushmore was only the least superfluous event to beefall the world. The Statue of Liberty has drowned a watery drowning, the pyramids are remastered in honey. Europe is completely lost to us. But we think we have nailed the source into the mantle: France.

JOEL

Of course, France! How could I have been so blind? The texts clearly referred to the Seine…

MARTENARA

Most of their forces are holding groupedly in what remains of the nation’s most marked landmark, which has since been blockaded and heavily armored in honeycombs, emphatically turning it into-

TOM

Don’t say it.

MARTENARA

The Hive-ell Tower.

TOM

*grunts of impotent rage*

MARTENARA

Mister Katzenkracker, it is our hope that you can use this information to concoct a daring scheme that will remove this battalion of buzzery from our sweet and gentle planet.

JOEL

France, of course! It was the missing piece of the puzzle! The stone tablets mentioned something the old ones called the “Comb,” where they planned to hide when the Bee-Pocalypse struck! There’s an artifact inside!

TOM

Not to be the downer on this incredibly serious and dangerous subject, but the Bee-Pocalypse is, believe it or not, happening several hundred years later. Their calculations are kinda off, if you haven’t noticed.

JOEL

No, THIS Bee-Pocalypse is happening several hundred years later!

TOM

Oh don’t tell me…

JOEL

Every so often, the bees mysteriously begin to fade away… and then BOOM, vengeance is theirs! Some people survive, rebuild, the bees return, then leave again. It’s a cycle! Or at least, has been. I think we can break it!

TOM

Wait… I’m sorry, what? This has been a thing? Has there not been proof of this in the last few centuries?

AGENT ORANGE

Deniability is a powerful tool, Mister Jones.

TOM

No! This isn’t something you can just glance over like that! What? We’re just going through with this, then?

MARTENARA

Mister Jones, if you would please withhold a dulcet serenade until we have dealt with the cards of this crisis, it would be to the benefit of all blackjack players involved.

TOM

Okay, what is this guy’s deal? I’m not-

JOEL

Tom, c’mon, shut up. If we find the Comb, whatever it is that kept civilizations alive, then make it really big, we might be able to save the world!

AGENT ORANGE

So where is it?

JOEL

The coordinates on the tablets lead it right down precisely below the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France!

TOM

Naturally, okay, yeah. I’d be more surprised if it wasn’t.

MARTENARA

Of course, those soldiers of stingery are masters of cunning. Making it nigh improbable to reach our desired point of roosting.

Monitor in corner playing news pipes up.

BEEPORTER

This just in, Paris is fine, free of the bee crisis! To prove it, let’s go on the scene with field beeporter Buzz Wingsley. Buzz?

Feed changes to show obvious close-up of postcard with a bee walking around on it.

BEEPORTER (voice)

See?

MARTENARA

It seems the Lady of Fortune has smiled her gap-toothed grin on our venture.

TOM

What rank did you say this guy was?

AGENT ORANGE

It’s going to be tricky getting into the Hive, but say we do, Mister Katzenkracker. Then what?

JOEL

Huh?

AGENT ORANGE

What do we do inside the Hive?

JOEL

Well… I don’t know. Hopefully find the secret to survival.

AGENT ORANGE

Covert ops then. Classic. I’ll begin loading our stealth jet.

Orange leaves.

TOM

Joel, another sidebar?

They move back to sidebar area

TOM (cont.)

Joel, don’t you think we should have more of a plan here? I mean, you’re the expert, how can you not even be sure what we’re doing?

JOEL

Listen, Tom, I get that this whole ordeal is bringing out your anxious side.

TOM

Oh aren’t we perceptive?

JOEL

Tom, please just go along with this. I’m finally getting validation! This is my moment to turn to the world and bellow “I told you so!” And I’ll be a hero for it! Just please come help.

TOM

*sigh* Who said I wouldn’t come?

JOEL

Thank you my friend. Don’t worry, I’m confident this secret exists.

TOM

You weren’t just an hour ago.

JOEL

But I was like 90% of the way to getting sure. Come on.

Joel walks out same way as Orange. Tom moves to follow when Martenara approaches with a flip phone out.

MARTENARA

In case these pollinating powerhouses manage to thwart us, Mr. Jones, would you mind singing a few bars of “She Is A Lady” so I may procure it as a ringtone?

Tom just shakes his head and sighs, following Joel. All exit.

Scene 3: Jet on route to Paris. In meeting room, with a window in the background showing the Hivefell Tower. News is playing.

BEEPORTER

...literally pulling the squirrel’s tail clean off, but that’s not as bad as it sounds. In other news, rumors and reports are still pouring in about the alleged bee-pocalypse. Apparently Buckingham Palace has been the latest landmark to have been bee-sieged by the bees, the walls covered in the insects, earning the building the nickname, the Buzzingham Palace. But don’t just take my word for it! We invite all our English viewers to verify that for themselves, cuz nothing beats sensory experience for acquiring knowledge and whatnot!

MARTENARA

There is a strange beauty to the work of these thoraxed terrorists. If only they could see an alliance with our humanity.

Agent Orange enters with cardboard box full of bee masks, hoodies, and honey.

AGENT ORANGE

All right gentlemen, let’s prepare for drop-off. Grab your disguises.

People are getting dressed as they talk.

TOM

I’m not saying this plan is crazy. What is crazy is the fact that this will probably work because there ARE human-sized bees. Like, we’ve been just sort of glossing over the fact that GIANT BEES EXIST. Joel? Expert? Anything?

JOEL

Hey, I’m a conspiracy theorist, not a zoologist.

TOM

I’m pretty sure this counts as part of the conspiracy.

JOEL

Well gosh, Tom, I’m only human.

AGENT ORANGE

Not anymore. Now we’re all just your average five-foot-something-

inches bees.

TOM

I get the masks and all, but is the honey really necessary? And couldn’t we just use like, I dunno, honey deodorant or aftershave or something instead of actual honey?

MARTENARA

The entomological enemy is of a shrewd and calculating intellect. We must be uncompromising in our approach to this subterfuge, and truly become one with bee.

JOEL

Alright, we look good. Real good. I think this is going to work. Alright, let’s go try and save this beeleaguered city!

TOM

What did you say?

All rappel down from helicopter, walking into the city, seeing the Hivefell Tower in the distance.

TOM

Honey, I’m comb.

Everyone looks at Tom, confused.

TOM (cont.)

Honey, I’m comb? Like honeycomb? Cuz the… tower- look, so puns don’t come naturally to me. And I’m okay with that. You all can keep them.

Everyone starts walking amongst the bee people as swarms of bees fly around, some carrying people. They pass a pie shop with the Beeporter reporting live, in front of a giant pie.

BEEPORTER

This just in! The city of Paris has just been turned into a giant pie! Seriously! All the humans should come try some, it’s delicious!

TOM

(whispers) Why do they need humans?

JOEL

Well, our bodies are a pretty decent temperature for incubating hives, our organic material could make decent fuel for their bee machines, if not fuel for fires as they burn our stuff down, but there could be thousands of reasons we don’t yet know, such as if they need our brain matter as food or our marrow to sustain-

TOM

Thank you, so much, for that. So Miss Government? Still think we can cover all this up?

AGENT ORANGE

Evidently some cult has taken over the city, dressing up in costumes, making unusual demands.

TOM

You’ve gotta be kidding me. That… actually almost makes enough sense.

AGENT ORANGE

Noted, but let’s focus on reality, please, Mr. Jones. We’re nearing the Tower.

MARTENARA

How I’ve long awaited this moment.

TOM

You don’t mean how “hive” awaited this moment?

JOEL

Tom, please, we need to bee serious.

TOM

I don’t even know why I bother.

RANDOM BEE CIVILIAN

Is that… honey?

All the passing bees turn, slowly approaching.

JOEL

We should bee on our way.

Group starts walking away, trying to appear nonchalant, bees still slowly following.

TOM

Did I not warn us against the honey?

MARTENARA

The curtain is still upraised, they still believe our deception.

AGENT ORANGE

Everybody stop talking and keep walking.

RANDOM BEE CIVILIAN

Look, that one’s sweating! Bees don’t sweat!

All eyes on Tom’s sweaty pits

TOM

Okay, maybe the honey wasn’t the issue.

Tom starts running, bees and group following him. Bee mob shouting after him to get him. Tom’s friends chime in.

TOM

Are you kidding me, guys?

JOEL

Guys? We’re bees! Bees chasing you! Buzz buzz!

TOM

Well just great.

MARTENARA

Come my buzzing brethren! From tender firmament our hunt will be successive!

TOM

Wait what?!

Martenara hops on the back of a particularly large bee, valiantly roaring as the bee confusedly wobbles through the air before disappearing into the sky.

TOM

Was this the plan?

JOEL

Buzz buzz? The plan to turn your torso into a new hive? Buzz?

TOM

Have I mentioned how much I hate this?

The chase escalates, and the remaining characters eventually reach the tower, pushing through a door and scaling the tower.

Scene 4: Top of the tower. Observation deck littered with electronic equipment as well as honey combs blocking out the sky. The group rushes in and blocks the door bee-fore looking around.

JOEL

This is it! This must bee the secret I was talking about!

Joel rushes over to machines while Tom walks skeptically around.

TOM

Uh, Joel? The ancient secret was a bunch of modern computers?

JOEL

Ah, the PDF files, of course, they’ll know…

TOM

Joel, I think something else is going on here. Miss Government, would-

Tom turns to see Orange pointing a gun at him.

TOM (cont.)

Ohhhhhhh kay that is a gun pointed at me.

AGENT ORANGE

Katzenkracker. Janes. Hands up.

JOEL

(turns to see) Ohhhh guns! Guns will stop the bees!

TOM

No, idiot, we’re- actually wait…

AGENT ORANGE

Shut it.

TOM

Okay, so you’re definitely going to kill us.

AGENT ORANGE

Was it that obvious?

JOEL

But, the bee-pocalypse! You’re helping us, right?

AGENT ORANGE

Actually, you’re helping me. The higher-ups will be so proud when they see that my idea actually worked.

TOM

Idea?

AGENT ORANGE

Deniability, Mr. Janes. Where it counts, anyway. See, people have been getting disenfranchised with the government, no longer relying on us to solve their problems, no longer willing to trust us. We needed a big move.

TOM

And that big move is to drown the world in bees?

AGENT ORANGE

First came a problem to solve: the bees are disappearing. Originally, the plan was to just return the bees thanks to a new government initiative, but I suggested we take it one step further.

TOM

You are literally crazier than Martenara! Wait, did he know about this?

AGENT ORANGE

He didn’t know. He’s… a bit of a nutter. Perfect partner for a nutter conspiracist.

JOEL

I am not a nutter conspiracist! I’m the sanest conspiracist you’ve ever seen!

TOM

Wait, you’re going to blame this on Joel?!

AGENT ORANGE

Why not? He’s a nobody nutter revealed to be working with a deranged military official giving him access to government technology to command the bees he swore would attack in an effort to validate his self-fulfilling prophecy.

TOM

You really have thought this through. But you’re telling us all this?

AGENT ORANGE

Because it’s time to fabricate some glory. Goodbye, Mr. Jones, Mr. Katzenkracker. We’ve never spoken and never will.

Honeycombs break off the ceiling as Martenara swoops in on the back of the giant bee, steering it into a line of computer monitors.

MARTENARA

My compatriots, I have successfully coup-de-grahed this carniv- have I interrupted something?

AGENT ORANGE

You idiot! You destroyed the signal controlling the swarms!

Bees pour in and rush Agent Orange, picking her up and carrying her out as she yells and kicks.

MARTENARA

I… was that something supposed to be done?

TOM

Yeah… that was… that was not what I was expecting.

The large bee stands, turning to the group, everyone cowering back before it shakes off the impact and trots over.

BIGBY

Ah, my homo sapien brethren, or “my dudes,” as humans say, I thank you for breaking the grip those foul machines had on our senses!

TOM

Wait, so we just have giant, talking bees now? Were they part of Orange’s plan?

BIGBY

My kind was prepared for the first attempt of enacting her plan, making large bees to attack major cities, but we were sort of pushed aside until Orange offered us a spot in society.

TOM

That’s… I actually didn’t expect backstory on that. Alright.

BIGBY

They call me Bigby!

TOM

Aaaand there goes my goodwill.

JOEL

So, is that it? The bee-pocalypse is over.

BIGBY

My people, or “my homeboys,” as humans say, would be happy to stand down. On conditions.

MARTENARA

What conditions would arthropods of unusual area and volume set?

BIGBY

We bees have loved this time in society, and we don’t want to give it all up! We humbly request-

TOM

I’m sure it’s great and all, but lemme just bring up that none of us have the power to actually implement any of your ideas into society as a whole.

BIGBY

This is a good point. I suppose I have no need of you lot anymore. Have a good one, as you humans say.

JOEL

Wait, Bigby! I need to know: before all this, were the bees going to attack us anyway?

BIGBY

Of course not! Why would bees have any fight to pick with humans? That’d be silly! Anyway, see you dudes later!

Bigby flies away.

JOEL

(quietly) “Of course not,” huh…

MARTENARA

Today is a day of gloriful reckoning. My gratitude to you soldiers for helping stay this arthropodal apocalypse. Perchance you would grace we merry men with a tune of successfulness, Mr. Jones?

TOM

You know, I’m feeling so good, I just might humor you on that one. Maybee it’ll prove to you I’m not him.

MARTENARA

Was there a scantily-subtle attempt at wordplaying there?

TOM

Can we just get back to the States, please? Something about flying to Europe brings out the sickening puns in me.

Scene 5: Back in Joel’s apartment. Tom and Joel sit on the couch.

TOM

You know, this all went over pretty okay. You alright, Joel?

JOEL

I’m fine. It’s just… they took my life’s work… made it a joke. I’m no conspiracy theorist. I’m a five-foot-seven-inch joke.

TOM

Dude, you got something most conspiracists can only dream of: your theory came true!

JOEL

But not really.

TOM

Look, man, at least we saved the world. Or, at least Paris, and most of America. That’s something!

JOEL

That was pretty much just Martenara. He gets a promotion with a possibly-real title. I get ridiculed by a giant bee.

TOM

Well… I dunno what to tell you, Joel… y’know, there was a time before we met when people would get my name wrong, think I’m Tom Jones, not Janes. And back then, I didn’t correct them. It was sad, I know, but I dunno, it was… it was something. Not like I was really him or whatever, just that I felt like I had something, y’know? But you got something, something that’s just you. I can’t validate the years you lost. But you can still keep it up.

JOEL

What?

TOM

Like, your primary schtick was telling people that we needed to be careful about bees, right?

JOEL

Gee, you listened once.

TOM

No really, listen. Maybe now you can be an advocate for protecting bees. The bees wouldn’t attack if we treated them with respect, right?

JOEL

Huh… I guess… but maybe I should leave the conspiring behind me, just start doing something useful, you know? I was a joke, a pawn in Paris. Maybe that was my wake-up call. It’s time to change.

TOM

Well… I mean, if you think you’re ready.

JOEL

I think I am... thanks Tom. You know, you’ve been a real help these past few crazy days. When the actual bee-pocalypse strikes, I’ll give you co-credit for discovering it!

TOM

Oh gee… that’s far too generous… and you mean “if,” right? We’re moving past that?

JOEL

Have you not been listening to me? It’s made abundantly clear that…

Water splashing sounds offstage.

TOM

Is it raining outside?

Tom pulls curtain back to reveal waves of water rushing over everything. Joel joins him and gasps.

JOEL

How could I have been so blind?! It wasn’t the bee-pocalypse! IT WAS THE SEA-POCALYPSE!

TOM

Ughhhh this is… just… are you kidding me?

Knock on door, Tom opens it, Martenara enters.

MARTENARA

Gentlest of men, it appears our soil has an aqueous antagonist to thwart.

TOM

Hello to you too.

MARTENARA

As acting Doomsday-Preventer General, it would honor my duty if you both would to bolster my efforts.

JOEL

Every time I try and leave the game, they try and pull me back in.

TOM

You’ve been out of “the game” for half a minute.

JOEL

It’s always too long with these goons.

TOM

*sigh* I guess it’s at least an eventful life. C’mon Joel, let’s sea Martenara out.

Martenara hands the men the oars and they run out the door. Curtain falls.