Press Start

A ten-minute play in which a climatic battle between good and evil is interrupted by the player hitting ‘pause.’ A personal favorite of mine, though it shows its age, mostly due to how differently I could approach it compared to my other work.

Mature language is used.

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CHARACTER LIST

Stanley: Warrior who has spent the equivalent of several days acquiring new weapons, armor, and skills in order to take revenge on the dark sorcerer who destroyed his village and family.

Lord Malignificience (LM): Dark sorcerer that destroyed the Warrior’s village for reasons he can’t adequately explain. Has been pretty much hanging out in his tower until Stanley showed up for a fight.

STANLEY

Leveled the sword up to level 60… okay, armor only 58, but it’ll do… good for healing potions… not bad, kid. Let’s get this done.

Lights come on over the stage as Stanley. Walks to confront LM on his throne.

STANLEY

Lord Malignificience.

Idiotic warrior. Did you not learn your lesson lo those many months past, when I razed your village to ash, taking your wife and child along with it?

STANLEY

Oh, I learned a lesson. And more along the path I have carved to be here. I shall pass them all onto you.

Stanley unsheathes his blade, LM

stands. The two battle for a while, shouting out generic battle lines like “Take that!” or “Aha!”.

STANLEY

For my people! For my family! For every life you’ve taken!

The two are right next to each other, about to deal finishing blows when they stop abruptly as the lights dim slightly and any music stops.

What… oh- ohhh gosh, what is happening right now?

STANLEY

(irritated) Holy shit, the player paused the game again. Great! Fucking PERFECT!

Hey hey hey! Watch your mouth, this is E10+!

STANLEY

He’s not here, I’ll say whatever the fuck I want.

Well then… what do we do now?

STANLEY

I’m taking a break.

Stanley moves out of position.

STANLEY (cont.)

Really, now? Who pauses the game at the final boss?

Ahem, where do you think you’re going?

STANLEY

Did I stutter or something? Player takes a break, so do I.

Well, pardon me, but that doesn’t seem quite right.

STANLEY

Do you know how many hours I’ve spent running around in this heavy-ass armor? And would you drop the stupid pose already?

He’ll be back soon!

STANLEY

No he won’t, he always does this. Probably out stuffing his fat face.

I still think it’d be best to be ready for when he does. Besides… I can’t.

STANLEY

What do you mean you can’t?

I’m stuck. I can’t move.

STANLEY

Oh, shit, that’s right, you’re an NPC.

Language.

STANLEY

(sing-songy) Eat a di-ick.

Stanley sits down on the stairs to the throne.

Ugh. Well, so much for Stan, righteous paragon of the realm. Do they call you Stan or Stanley?

STANLEY

That’s not actually my name, you know. It’s what that guy with the controller put in.

Oh… then what do I call you?

STANLEY

My default name is just “The Warrior.” Real imaginative stuff.

Okay then, Warrior, you said this happens often?

STANLEY

Oh my God this has been like a 70 hour journey? He’s spent like double that paused doing God knows what else.

So this, what happens, it’s called “pausing?”

STANLEY

You really haven’t experienced this before?

Honestly? No. Is it… Am I gonna need to be checked after this?

STANLEY

God no, the player just pauses the game. You’ve probably just been pausing along with it since you haven’t been part of the game yet.

Are you pulling my leg?

STANLEY

I… what?

So I’ve been just blacking out for hours at a time?

STANLEY

Sometimes only for minutes. Not a big deal for you.

What?! Not a big deal? It’s scary! Just losing long stretches of time like that! What if I’m doing something important? Like I boil the tea too long or run a bath over?

STANLEY

I mean, you’re not losing it, it’s all stopped with you.

But not for you? Not for me now?

STANLEY

Not for me because I’m always part of the game. Not for you now because now you are too. This is the final boss, remember?

(confident) Ah yes of course. (not so confident) What does that mean?

STANLEY

I’m going to kill you.

Are you being serious or just rude? I can’t tell with you.

STANLEY

No, literally, I’m going to kill you. Whenever this fat fuck decides to (directs yell away from LM) GET ON WITH IT.

Well, that’s a fairly audacious claim, you know. I do know my way around a scrap; it’s very possible I’ll be the victor here.

STANLEY

Doesn’t matter. Even if you kill me, everything’ll just reset from the last checkpoint until I finally win.

What? That‘s not very fair, is it?

STANLEY

It’s what’ll happen.

What… that’s just it? I destroy your village, take a nap, now I’m here? That’s it? I’m just done after that?

STANLEY

You got to nap?!

Well, for a bit. Mostly I tended around the house, watering the plants, cleaning off the spell books on the shelves. My sister came by with her kids, that was nice. I started up whittling too. Ever tried it? Real therapeutic.

STANLEY

Now I don’t feel so bad for you. I spend 60 plus hours sprinting and dodge-rolling around, getting a hernia like you wouldn’t believe, all the while busting for a piss, while you sit back and count ceiling tiles? Hell yeah I get to win this fight.

No! I just started bingeing Friends! I’m not giving that up! I need to find out if Ross and Rachel get together or not!

STANLEY

Well, you’re gonna have to.

LM’s magic glows brighter, fire in his hands.

Hey, c’mere.

STANLEY

What’re you doing?

Nothing, just c’mere.

Stanley stands to look at LM.

STANLEY

Are you kidding me? Are you seriously trying to kill me now?

Oh, don’t be ridiculous, I just wanted to show you this crazy potato chip I found. It’s in the shape of a monkey! Don’t you like monkeys?

STANLEY

You can’t move, dumbass, remember?

Stanley walks around LM as LM strains to move.

STANLEY (cont.)

See?

Just touch it.

STANLEY

Eat shit.

C’mon, would I trick you? Stan? Buddy? Friend-o-mine? Stan the Man? Stan of the Hour? Stan… ah… Stan… of Steel?

STANLEY

What are you even trying to do? You can’t kill me while we’re paused.

No! Just touch the poison flame- I mean regular flame.

STANLEY

Forget it.

Stanley sits back down.

STANLEY (cont.)

You know why we’re even here?

You mean us being directed by invisible, unknowable puppet masters outside our scope of knowledge, forced down specific tracks without our volition like zombies, our words and actions the result of some mad god’s machinations, for us only to be abandoned when we cease to amuse, potentially leaving our struggles perpetually unfulfilled?

STANLEY

No, I’m talking like the plot of the game story. Is it just the revenge thing? I lost track after the mermaid witches with fish tops and spider bottoms.

(sadly) Oh… that…

STANLEY

You, ah, you okay? You want to talk about something?

I’m fine. Just… didn’t understand the question at first is all.

STANLEY

You know, I really thought you’d know more about the game considering you’re an NPC and all.

No, no… Like, I know it’s a game and all, I just… They didn’t tell me I’d be gone so soon. I didn’t even want to destroy your village, it just… they said...

STANLEY

Are… are you crying?

No… Sorcerers don’t cry… We sweat in weird places sometimes, that’s probably it.

STANLEY

Look, I guess I’m sorry and all that you had to find out like this, but there’s nothing to do about it. It’s how the game works. Once we’re unpaused, it’s what’s gonna happen. It’s out of our control.

Well… *sniff* well I don’t agree with that at all! What, I just exist to die?

STANLEY

Pretty much.

Well, I give a hearty “no way Jose” to that! Here, help see if you can get me to move.

STANLEY

What?

I’m out of here! I don’t want to die, I want to see the world! You know I’ve never been to Europe? I swear, I’m like 75% UK English and I’ve never been!

STANLEY

I don’t think it works like that.

Come on! You’re free as a bird, moving and grooving. There’s gotta be a way to make me like you!

STANLEY

Look, you seem like a nice guy and all when you’re not being puppeted around, but I just spent an ungodly amount of time trying to get here, not to mention the aforementioned debilitating hernia, and I’m getting my closure. Sorry, ain’t personal.

But then what? You just wander around the game, going where the player tells you, until he just walks away, leaving us all behind, frozen forever?

STANLEY

Hmm… you have a point there.

I do! You know what? Help me out, we’ll both get out of here, do whatever we want! Travel the world, go to a zoo. Maybe open a business in another country!

STANLEY

You know, I’ve always been kinda jealous of those merchants in town, living the quiet life, loving what they sell, just settling down. After 70 plus hours of inane fetch-questing, I’d rather earn money the old fashioned way: subtle extortion of higher-class customers.

Any sort of business in mind?

STANLEY

Well, uh… no, it’s kinda silly.

C’mon, tell your buddy Malignificience.

STANLEY

It always bugged me how there was no haberdashery back in my village. You know, for when the only armor you need is a fancy dress suit.

Gasp! I thought I was the only one who still cared about haberdasheries!

STANLEY

Huh… guess we have something in common after all.

Yeah… now, how’sabout you see if we can’t get me moving again?

LM extinguishes all magic, Stanley starts fidgeting with him, lightly pushing and pulling, LM not moving. Both mutter things like “ok maybe if I just…” or “yeah let’s try here…”

LM (cont.)

Ooh, is that your armor or has the plan gotten you excited?

STANLEY

Now who’s the one with the potty mouth?

The two continue to try to move, Stanley moving in front of LM. The lights suddenly come back on.

STANLEY

Uh oh.

LM suddenly finishes his attack animation, smashing Stanley over the head, killing him.

Oh no. Ohhhhhh sweet Jimeny. Ohhh what did I do, what did I do?

Lights go out for a brief period of time. When they come back on, Stanley enters like he did earlier, LM on his throne.

STANLEY

Lord Malignificience.

Idiotic warrior. Did you not learn your lesson lo those many months past, when I razed your village to ash, taking your wife and child along with it?

STANLEY

Oh, I learned a lesson. And more along the path I have carved to be here. I shall pass them all onto you.

As the two battle, the curtain drops.